Dear Hunter,

I am so sorry that you have to keep that thing on your head all the time. I know it's not very comfy. I hope you will know that we are doing this for you. I want you to know that we did everything that we could to make you happy with your appearance. You were/are perfect to me regardless. These few months will be like nothing in the long run. You won't even remember them. I hate that you sweat so much in the helmet. I wish I could put a little fan in it to help you cool down. You are getting so big now, mister almost 8 month old. I can't believe it. Your newborn pictures make me sad because you have changed so much since then. Such a big guy. You are the youngest out of the 3 cousins and you are the biggest! You could probably mess with Kali if you would learn how to crawl! I just want you to know that I promise I'm not torturing you when I put that weird blue thing on your head. Maybe you will even thank me in the long run. I love you so much chunk!

 Forever,
Momma

Our Day

We were about 20 minutes late for our appointment. We had a monkey themed room, tons of monkeys every where!

Then we had a check up with the doctor that saw Hunter for his first examination. We freaking walked up and down the street in the cold ass wind. Stupid us, while it was warm here at home, it is freezing in the bay area. Steven had him in shorts and a polo, we had to cover him with a blankey. First, we went to the wrong building (even though his card said that address). Had to walk all the way back down the street finally we find the right place. Turns out he thought he would have had the helmet for a few weeks now so there wasn't much to talk about. Pretty much a WASTE OF TIME, ugh. Overall, it was a tiring day. I hate making him sit in the car seat for so long. But he did great. We will see how well he does with the helmet tomorrow.

Crappy cell pictures, but pictures none the less.

Mother's Day!

Mine was okay. Steven pissed me off but at least I got to spend it with my boy. I am not mad that I didn't get a gift or a card but he could have at least spent the day with us. It made me feel like I am not appreciated. My mom got me some yellow roses and a card. I made her a card with a picture of me and Hunter in it. She loved it and she told me she cried. I still need to make something for Lydia, Steven's mom. We go to pick baby's helmet up on Tuesday. I'm anxious to get it because I just want to get this over with. I haven't talked to my dad in a while. I wonder if he's still in treatment. I kind of doubt it. Maybe I will text my aunt and see.

A much needed update

Still waiting to hear from the doctor about Hunter's helmet. Hopefully we get a call soon.. My dad is in a treatment center right now, we'll see how long that lasts. I sent out Hunter's Easter cards last week, everyone loved them. I can't believe my baby is so big. I look at his newborn pictures and I can't believe how much he's changed. Pretty soon I'll be planning his first birthday party. We might take him to the playground today, his first time! It's a nice day today so we will see. I got my cloth diapers the other day, I love them. Hunter looks so cute in them too. No leaks so far, knock on wood! It feels good knowing that I'm not putting chemicals on my little man's butt. Steven thinks it's dumb and 'hippie-ish' but I don't care. Maybe he will understand once he doesn't have to buy diapers every few weeks.


Little Mister was crying after his bath



Today

What a day



 It has been a very long day. It felt like we were in the car forever. We made the trip to SF to get Hunter fitted for his helmet. He did so good but was still kinda grumpy during the casting, I don't blame him. The doctor said we should get the helmet back within 2-4 weeks. Yet another trip all the way down to the bay area. Just have to keep reminding myself that it's for a good reason. My son deserves it. He did well with the car ride too, until the end. I didn't want to be in the car anymore either, ugh. So if Medi-Cal doesn't cover it the grand total will be $2280 not including gas, food, and bridge fair. The doctor did say that with the measurements, it's a good chance that they will cover it. Still hoping!

Before

During

Using my phone as a distraction



After, my poor guy!



And on our way home :)

Day in the bay

 So we went and saw a specialist today about the baby's head. We had to go all the way to San Francisco. The Dr.'s said that the shape could be from the way he was positioned in my body, he favored that one side for the first few months of his life (I should've started turning his head then), and because his skull is still soft. Thankfully, there are no problems with his brain, it's perfect! They gave us two options,  1. We use techniques and pretty much keep him off the flatter side of his head using toys, blankets, etc. This could work but it's not a for sure thing. Or  2. We get him a helmet. He has to wear this 23 hours a day for 3 months. Yeah, THREE months. This will be a more effective solution because it allows his head to grow in certain parts and round out. If Medi-Cal doesn't cover it,  it will cost around $2000-$2500 out of pocket. Steven's mom said they would cover it. My mom said between his parents and mine that they will figure it out. I would feel extremely guilty if they did though. I'm hoping that the Medi-Cal will cover it. The doctor said it's either one or the other, we can't do both. He pretty much told us that we had to make a decision right then and there because once he turns a year old his head shape won't change much. But, he did say we could try the techniques for 6 weeks and see if we noticed a change and then do the helmet. That would be 6 weeks wasted if it doesn't improve. We got the prescription for the helmet and we have to go to another doctor to get him fitted and everything. That doctor couldn't get us in today so we have to go all the way to San Francisco again. It's stressful but he's all worth it. I'm about 99% sure we are going through with the helmet, it will be new and different but we will get through it the best we can. My baby deserves it and it will be great for him in the long run.

     Here are some pics from our day.



Let's hit the road




"Give me that!"




Breakfast time!



Getting close

Through the tunnel

Going across the bridge

Wearing a Fireman's hat in the waiting room

View from our room

First time in a shopping cart (Ew, made sure to wipe it down and put blankets in)

Chewing on Dada's string

Little baby feetsies!

My kid is freakin' cute :)

Yes, I know. Yet another picture. Can't help it. I just love showing him off.

First day apart

My mom had been begging me to let her take Hunter for the day. I caved and let her have her way. It felt kinda weird, didn't really know what to do with myself. I was glad when he came back though. He was a grumpy little guy. She sent me tons of pictures through out the day. He's such a chunk and so much like his daddy. He feel asleep so quick and without fighting it! Had to share a pic.

Ultrasound

Well, went to the ultrasound today. They had a doctor come in as the lady preformed the ultrasound. He said everything with his brain looks great. Normal as it should be. The doctor will get the results on Friday and we will go in and see what he says about them. I'm glad his brain is fine. She also said that babies skulls are soft so it may just be because he favored one side. I'm relieved but still not 100% worry-free. Praying that my baby boy will be just fine. He's such a trooper. My mom took this pic on her phone during the ultrasound. They put soooo much of that gelly gunk on his head. He was catchin' some ZzZz's. Until next time :)

Before his shots

Sorry for the horrible quality, I recorded it from my phone. This was before he got his shots, he does this all the time! It's so adorable. I love it :)

Today

Just got back from Hunter's six month appoinment. He got his shots today. He did a lot better than last time, didn't cry as much. I still hate seeing them poke my poor little man. He weighs a whopping 21 pounds 6 ounces and is 30 inches long! He's getting so big! I spoke to the doctor about baby's head. It is kinda flat on one side more so than the other. I brought it up at his 4 month appoinment and they told me to just keep turning his head the other way when he sleeps. I did that and it improved a bit, but it's still not as round as it should be. I mean, it's not super noticeable but I see it. The doctor says he doesn't think it has anything to do with his brain since he's developing fine, sitting by himself, holding his head, rolling over, etc.  We have to take him in for an ultrasound tomorrow and make sure everything is okay. I'm so scared that something will be wrong. It may just be because he slept on one side for so long that it hasn't rounded out yet. He has improved since he was born. He didn't want to turn his head to that side then but now he does it all the time. Maybe I'm just worrying because he's my baby and this is a scary thing to go through. He said he would call a specialist in San Francisco and see what he has to say. If they see something wrong from the ultrasound they may have to do a CAT Scan. I want to avoid that at all costs. He said there is radiation involved with the CAT Scan and that 1 in 1000 babies will develope cancer as a result from it. Praying to god that everything will be just fine.
 
  So I called my mom and told her and of course she told me he's fine. "Cill, he's doing everything he's supposed to be doing.  Sitting, 'talking', reaching for things, he's fine." I really hope so. Lydia (Steven's mom) is trying to go with us. I don't mind. I'm just hoping they tell me everything is okay. Pray for us, I will update when I can.

Ugh

Well, looks like all of us are sick. Hunter has a cough :( I hate hearing his little cough. My head hurts so bad and I'm all stuffed up. I took a pregnancy test yesterday, it was negative. I'm relieved but not 100%. I sent Steven to the store and they only had cheap $4 tests. I guess my mind won't be at ease until I take a better test. Praying for a BFN. Hunter is loving his solids. He had some more sweet potato today and he eats them up. I can't wait to give him fruit. Trying to get him to enjoy veggie before he gets the sweet stuff ;) I love seeing his messy face and he always smiles after every bite! We also introduced a sippy cup with water to him. He loved that as well. My little chunk is growing up. He will be 6 months old in a week :(

   

Family

Love my little family! Steven finally took a serious picture with us. Shocking! On a different note, I think my period is late. I'm so scared I may be pregnant again and Hunter is only 6 months old. Hoping it will come within the next few days if not, well I guess we'll just roll with it. To put it lightly, UGH!

Officially...

A baby food makin' momma! I baked his first sweet potato last night. He didn't seem too interested. But there is always today. I'd much rather make my own organic food. I'm also waiting on this! My new Baby Bullet. Seems like it will definitely come in handy. I love that I know exactly what he's eating when I give him solids.
   In other news, we just recieved Hunter's crib today. He has been in the pack n play since 2-3ish months because we couldn't afford it then. I'm so happy he has his own bed, he deserves it!

Jim ('Dad')

    Okay, so my dad is a drug addict and has never been in mine or my brother's life. He lives three hours away from us,where we were born. My mom left him because he is addicted to any sort of high and he never worked.
   Well, he went from being homeless, living with my aunt (who's kicked him out because of drugs), selling drugs for some guy in a park, he has been jumped by gang members over drugs to the point where he has had a gun pulled on him. He's also had his face kicked in by these people. His drug of choice is herion. He's told me about all this shit and how his veins have collapsed, he's had nasty absesses, he has hep b and c I believe. Then some old man saw him digging for cans and approached him and tells him "You look like you could use a break." He gave my dad his number so my dad could maybe get something to eat and take a shower. I guess a couple days later he takes the man(His name is Richard, I believe) up on his offer. They work something out to where my dad is some type of live in caregiver for Richard. My dad lives with this man for a while taking care of him. Well the man dies, my dad has no where else to go. He asked the church that Richard was apart of, to help him pay the bill so he could stay in Richard's house. Well I guess that didn't work out because he calls me (8 months pregnant at the time) and asks me for $200 so he could move in with his neighbor. He said he needed it because the guy wants a down payment or whatever. I wasn't working and only had money that was in savings which was less than $500. Plus, Steven just got laid off at the time. I told him no because we still needed things for the baby. He then decides to bitch me out telling me I'm his daughter, I should help him out, then hangs up.
   I don't talk to him for about four months and by then Hunter is three months old. It was Christmas time and we went to visit family in Modesto(where he lives/where I was born). I had to look around for him finally got ahold of him through my aunt. I wanted him to meet his grandson at least once so that later on down the road, I can tell my son he has met him because I doubt he'll be there for us. We went to my aunt's house and he held the baby for a couple minutes. I took him because he was fussy and hungry so I fed him. I saw that he had a cell phone. In my head I couldn't help but think "Why the fuck didn't you call?" He knew I was pregnant he knew I obviously must have had the baby by now WTF.
    Didn't hear from him for a few months and he calls me out of the blue. He was crying and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that Liz (my aunt) kicked him out. I asked him why and he responded, because he was trying to get off methadone and he was all sick and sweaty she told him he stunk so he had to leave. He left and lived out of his van with his dog for a few weeks. His tags expired so it got towed. He refuses to go to a homeless shelter because he doesn't want to get rid of the damn dog, so he was stuck living under a bridge. He said he found his cousin and he's letting my dad stay with him. He says, " I know this didn't go over well last time but, can I borrow some money to give to Jay (his cousin) and so I can get some groceries?" I tell him, "Dad, I would but I'm not working. Steven takes care of everything money wise and I can't ask him for that." Steven was right next to me and he told me he wasn't giving him shit, he only calls me for money. I wouldn't ask him for that anyway. He then tells me "I've asked everyone. I'm clean and I can't even get $20 for groceries. I don't deserve this Cill. I told myself if I were ever to be homeless again, I would end it." Me- "Dad, you have a grandson and two kids to live for. Everyone has hard times but you'll get through it." Him- "Yeah, okay. I have to go, I have to figure out what's gunna happen."  Then I say, "Are you gunna call me?" He tells me he doesn't know what tomorrow's gunna bring. I just tell him to keep his head up and call me when he can.
  What an asshole. He hasn't done shit for my brother and I since we were little. My mom never went after him for child support because she didn't want him thrown in jail. Every time he calls me he's asking for money. Not to see how his grandson is doing, not to see how his kids are doing, MONEY. How low can you get? Asking you're nineteen year old daughter for money when she has a five month old son to take care of. WTF. I guess drugs really do change people. A part of me thinks he deserves to die alone because of everything we've gone through. But a part of me just can't let him go.

My Two Favorite Guys!

Steven is obsessed with this thing. Just had to snap a picture of the two of them. One day he'll be riding right beside daddy.

Hunter Baby

My big boy! He's almost five months old, trying to get the hang of his 'jumpa jump'! I can't believe how big he's getting. Looking more and more like his daddy every day. I'm so greatful that he's healthy and thriving. Almost sitting up by himself. He's so handsome and I love him with all my heart <3

Off to bed, will post more eventually.